Honor Thy Daughter: A Familys Search for Hope and Healing
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I hardly know you but I am so proud of you! You did it! I was very blessed to have a loving father, who kept me afloat.
Not everyone is so lucky. Thanks for the kind words.
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I met your mother before I met you. We met at church, was happy to find a friend since I had just moved to Arizona. Through the years it has been very difficult to keep her friendship. I pity her to lose a lovely daughter, but I am more sorry for you, Misty. And I will be your mother next time I cross the pond. This fairly accurately describes my mother and our relationship as well.
I finally emotionally emancipated myself from her. After some years, I have found compassion for her but still hold my boundaries strong. Best to you. Thank you for your comment. Congratulations on finding compassion. The weird thing about narcissism is how these people can operate in the world, how the behavior gets passed by and no one but the victim realizes it.
These relationships have marked much of my life and I so appreciate the way you can verbalize the oddity of it. I can relate to it all… Especially the wobbley, motherless feeling when I leave her presence. I really enjoyed seeing you again and catching up with your family. Your children are talented, kind-hearted and sweet!
I continue to enjoy your blog. I enjoyed the party very much and I enjoyed seeing you and your beautiful children. It was a very happy time for me; Ishaq and Ann, and Serina and Rashid, played a huge role in my childhood. It would have been much lonelier without them. All that love and all those memories made it a beautiful evening and I am very grateful to have been invited. Thank you for articulating these thoughts so well. It is so hard to put them out there for the world to see.
Congratulations on being true to yourself and your family and taking action in your own life for your own mental and emotional health and well being. My mother enabled my alcoholic step-father for 30 years- after abandoning me with my previous step-father and divorcing him for this new gem. As an adult, I stopped drinking alcohol while raising my family, which basically meant we rarely ever saw them again. Which was a bit awkward since our homes are across the street from one another.
She spent 30 years discrediting and criticizing me because, as the Gail Meyers wonderful quote suggests, I was the one person, her only child, who knew the secrets of our dysfunctional family, and could unravel all of the tales she wove about how perfect our family was for everyone else to see. Sadly, she would now like to have a relationship with me. This is very sad for me, because she has never fostered a bond and has only fostered animosity and pain in my life. I have no patience or desire to be close to her.
I can be cordial and spend time with her, but there is no closeness. I know this is sad for her too but it simply is what life has left us with. But I would like to see you take some knowledge from your mother and know that it is of value. Through whatever experiences made her who she is, she has taught you much, as my mother has me, to NOT be the kind of parent she has been.
My family has benefited tremendously from this as we are extremely close with our adult children. I hope these challenges can continue to inform your vision of family and will see you through as your children and your marriage grow. Thanks again! Thank you for rambling! Thanks for sharing. Thank you so much for this. I have been struggling through this and feeling very guilty.
I needed this like you would not believe. You are welcome. Comments like yours are a great affirmation to me as a writer. I hope everything works out. As I was reading I kept stopping excitedly, as if I just discovered gold, to share with hubby. So much of your writing rings true about my mother. You gave the best explanation that I have ever heard.
Thank you so much.
It is very affirming to have other women tell me this story helped them. Thank you for your kind words. Best wishes in your own healing. Thank you for this.
This is not my own experience with my parents, but I have a dear friend who just recently set a pretty mild, all things considered boundary with her father and his response was to immediately heap multiple lies and abuses about her character and parenting upon her and to cut off contact. Hopefully by the time he tries to weasel his way back in so he can hurt her more, she will have good resolve to not open the door again. I am so happy to have this blog post to pass on to others who might find the ring of truth in it.
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I am very sorry for your loss in growing up without a true mother figure in your life. Narcissistic parents train us to give them total control. Any boundary we set, however small or sensible, is a threat to their absolute power. Courage to your friend. It is a constant tightrope walk trying to remain independent and healthy with a narcissistic parent.
Honor Thy Narcissistic Mother: the 4th Commandment and Going “No Contact”
Thank you for your comment! Reading all this has opened my eyes and hopefully I can figure out how to deal with both of them. Thank you. What do you do if you are the son of an npd mother, and you were her golden son your whole life, you spent your life being the perfect successful son she wanted, living in the rich snobbish towns we would move to, she isolated us my sisters and I physically from any family, and psychologically from friends, saying they were bad, then when you were seventeen years old, she divorced your dad, and randomly moved three thousand miles away into the woods, leaving you behind in the rich town, she then preceded to tell your sisters she had to move because you were unstable, and ungrateful?
This is my story, I feel like no one can understand, what do I do?
Thanks for reading. This must be especially painful for you. Everything applies to men as well. The most important thing for me was counseling and spiritual direction. It took me years to get my thoughts ordered and to strengthen myself against her attacks. Fire and brimstone might hurt you worse. Just start building your own best life with counseling, exercise, healthy eating, reading, and by creating healthy friendships.
Go towards health, and away from the tangle of lies and control your mother has created. Pingback: Trigger Warning: Black History. Yes I decided I needed a little break, that was over ten years ago now. The problem I struggle with is explaining this to most women at work who need to know.
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There is nothing else in their head but the business of others and their own misery. Now I am the bad guy. I say they are dead. I am old enough to get away with it.